Just another cruel illusion?

I think not. Maybe it's the hope which still lives on within me, even after being corroded away. Maybe it's the anxiousness to return to the place of my happiness. I don't know what it is, I admit it. But it feels like this crisis is coming to a close. The problem is, how do I know this time is real?

Simple. I don't. But this is different. Way different. This must be it. After 9 months of captivity and repeated attempts to escape to my place of happiness, can this really be what I have sought after for so long?

Where, oh where is my shock? Where is my happiness? The truth is, I feel numb. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of raising my hopes, and raising everyone else's hopes. I know that I've hurt many people, but it wasn't exactly easy on my side either. I feel responsible for your pain. I am responsible for your pain. But how do I get you to understand?

Now, all I can do is pick up the pieces, and make the most of what I have, after this ordeal. I admit that this crisis has left me scarred, but I must also say that I have matured beyond what I was capable of, while living in the place of my comfort and security. I was extracted and just dropped off into a place beyond my understanding. A place with an alien culture, a different atmosphere, a separate mentality... I am traumatized, but I simply lack the words to describe my pain.

I want it all back. I really did have it all. No matter how much I whined and bitched, I had it all. I was lucky, too. The problems of my past seem so insignificant compared to now. No matter. We all make mistakes, don't we? And I am just a person. I took everything for granted. That was/is my crime.





**NOT your fault!! :p