Well, i haven't blogged in a long time, but that's cause stupid strict ass indian shit fuck parents prevented me from even turning on the computer, much less going online and spending time there. So bout my parents and all.. well, they're really fucked up. They schedule the fucking ticket for pakistan on the last day of school, and so i have 4 finals on one day. so i'm at home, and i'm studying the whole day. first of all, i make some coffee. my mom says that i shouldn't drink it. i'm like, w/e. i go back for cup number two, an hour later, and it's GONE. she hid it from me, so i wouldnt drink any. so i just took a couple of teabags, dipped 'em in water and drank it. and then, it's like 9 and i'm studying for spanish finals, but i'm looking up definitions online.. my dad goes,"9:30, i don't care if your done or not, the internet will be off!" I was like, wow. i need the internet to study for spanish, and it's not my fucking fault that i had to study for four finals on one day.. it's kinda your fault. But they fell asleep, so w/e. Another thing.. i used to be VERY dedicated to working out and stuff, more so than a LOT of other people. Well, my dad took my membership away, which it turns out, i could do nothing about, legally. So i'm reduced to jogging, push ups, sit ups. He even fucking took away my pair of dumbbells!! So basically, i feel myself getting weaker and fatter by the day, and i'm hoping my insecurities won't return, and if they do, i'll know EXACTLY who to blame it on. And i'll give them a hell of a hard time for it too, but i just don't know how yet. basically, i wanna get even. that's it. they're purposefully trying to screw up my social life, which is all i have left. I mean, the gym used to be my escape from all the shit at home, but now, i have no choice now. Sometimes, i wanna fucking shoot them in the head, or torture them, or do something really fucking horrible to them, and i even go as far as plan it out (in my daydream, not real life, of course...) but then, when i'm back to reality, i realize that i'd be fucking myself over , especially. so much for that. with all the experience i've had with my parents + police, i learned that kids don't have ANY fucking rights. and i learned it the hard way too. i mean, it turns out, even if i'm working and i make some money, my parents are still somehow entitled to a good portion of it. W. T. F. I hate america. Yes, i said it. I don't hate it cause of the color of my skin, or my ethnicity or cause of the fucking ragheads that run around yelling "ALLAHALLAHALLAHALLAH-ALLAH!!!"... but because i'm not entitled to any rights as a minor living in my parents' house. My parents say that my friends are making me a bad person and all, and they think i'm doing drugs and such. Don't those fucking dimwits realize that THEY are the fucking damn reason why i do what i do? THEY are the stupid fucking reason why I have a little experience with w/e i've tried? To tell you the truth, if it wasnt for my dedication to Kyra, working out, and Peer Counseling, i'd be a fucking addict, no lie. that's nothing to be proud of, really. But really, of course, my parents would think it was my FRIENDS that made me this way. Umm... no. STFU for once, and clean out your FUCKING ears. Listen to me, for once. It's YOUR fault. YOUR YOUR YOUR YOUR YOUR fault. I can't emphasize this enough. YOUR fault. and that's that. but of course, they'll blame THIS on my friends too. I mean, how many teachers', GLCs', friends' and strangers' sympatheies do i have to collect until they realize that they ARE the reason? god damn it, give me a number of people, and i swear, i'll start on it right now. i don't want to go to pakistan. and when i'm there, i'mma give them hell for it. after all, who can stop me? i'm a crazy fucking insane psycho teenager, aren't i? oh yeah, let's not forget about how my friends have made me worse and shit. PLEASE. like i said before. OPEN your eyes, OPEN your ears. Just once. And ***, every FUCKING time you call ****'s phone, or *****'s phone, or show up at ****'s house to try and find me... you have no idea what i wish i could do to you. seriously, first you kick me out. then you go and try to find me. then you start to give in. then my dad comes in, gives her a fucking pep talk, and she starts bargaining. WTF? how about you kick me out, and KEEP me out? but no, your worried about what the fucking muslim society is gonna think of you. i personally don't care. i know you do, and i hold that against you, no doubt. after all, it's your shame, not mine. Now the fucking summer is coming. I won't even feel secure taking off my shirt, as pussy as that sounds. It's not like it wasn't bad enough already. but you made it worse. i've been reduced to push ups and situps. nothing else. just my own body. you know who else has to live like that? prisoners. fucking prisoners in jail live like that. but sometimes, jail has a gym too! so what do you know? it turns out, i've been reduced to below Guantanamo status. the only differnce of course, is that i can fucking go psycho and do something i WILL regret without any sort of restraint. it's that easy. if they knew what runs through my head, they'd be scared, because i scare myself. but then, why do they insist on going on with their stupid curfews and rules and shit? why why why? the point is, i don't care. they want hell, i'll show them hell. they want a good son? i'll show them what a good son is made of. after all, you can't blame me, not at all. and don't fucking tell me that their my parents and that they pay for me and shit. i don't even wanna hear that. cause the shit that they put me through is not worth the money and roof overmy head. not at all. the only thing stopping me from quitting it all is the fact that i dn't look forward to going to school from 8 to 3, then working from 4 to 9 to pay rent for some cheap ass appartment. i won't be able to handle that. yet.
I know i probably sound hella pissed off right now, but this is just how i am, 3:45 to 7:15, next morning. it's hell, but i have to be strong and fight through it. but every day that passes makes my motive weaker. so i have to be quick before i start to give in.
***You my dear, really need to learn how to not be nice, just for once. I really value that quality in you, i really do. But there simply are times where you must be ready for conflict. Like when you hear that annoying ass voice on your phone, don't show fear. remember, she's calling you because she needs your help, not the other way around. so basically, you have her on a leash already. haha.. just take it from there.***
